I Vant to Sluc your Bud...

...Hummm, needs work, eh?

By Robert J. Sodaro

Twilight: Rated “PG-13” (120 Minutes)

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser

Directed by: Catherine Hardwicke

These vamps truly suck.

Vampires are all the rage. They are on TV, in the movies, books, comicbooks, and if we were to go back far enough, in music (Smashing Pumpkins song Bullet with Butterfly Wings had Billy Corrigan crooning that the world is a vampire). So, yeah, all the world loves vampires. They are smooth, seductive, and they live forever.

To be sure, they are dead (ok, undead), can’t go out in daylight, and have to drink human blood to survive, but, apparently that’s entirely besides the point. Vampires are cool.

Ooo, how pretty.

Which explains the huge popularity of Stephanie Meyer’s vampire series — the third book of which was recently released. Still, if you were planning on attending a screening of third film anticipating a near dark meets John Carpenter’s Dracula, boy are you in for a major disappointment. This is more like Dawson’s Creek meets Count Chocula.

That’s right, when viewing this flick, it is important to remember that this is an overwrought teen angst flick (written for lovelorn young lonely girls) where the entire point of the film is for hot looking Hollywood youths to make goo-goo eyes at each other. The whole vampire thing is merely background. The lead vampires are “vegetarians” (that only kill and drink the blood of animals — the vampire equivalent of tofu.

Nice hair, eh?

In this fashion the vampires from Twilight are New Age pussies. They emote, they feel remorse, pity, loneliness, anguish, and basically all of the human frailties that (real) vampires aren’t supposed to feel, which is part of why vampires were so wicked-cool in the first place. In short, watching a bunch of breathy, emo teens, agonizing over and confessing to eternal love, it is really more than I’m prepared to deal with, truly.

Further, while I understand that many other writers have screwed around with vampire legend, what is done in this film to twist and warp these illegitimate descendents of Vlad Dracul is really too much to stand. Vampires that can walk in daylight? That sparkle in the sun? Sorry, I’d rather go back to Lestat, and watch pretty-boy Cruise bite a pre-teen Kirsten Dunst on the neck.

Yeah, sure Twilight is a PG-13 film targeted for weepy tweens, but, seriously, I couldn’t take it. The sex was all anticipation and no delivery, and the violence didn’t rise to the level of a ’60s-era Looney Tunes, and what passes for a story was all padding and no meat. Go if you must, but this film really truly sucks.

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This entire article is copyright (c) 2008 Freelance Ink, All rights reserved. It cannot be reprinted without specific, written permission from the author.

Robert J. Sodaro has been writing professionally for over 20 years. During that time, his movie reviews and articles have appeared in numerous publications, as well as on the web; currently his reviews appear on the Web here and in print in More Sugar. Questions? Comments? Queries? Log in, and have your own say.

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